In My Weakness

This week I tried something.
This week I walked into a situation that sent me into a place mentally that is hard to put into words.
I am the kind of person that tries to find something I have learned through any situation, this one sent me spinning.
While growing up I learned the importances in knowing your limits; when it is good to go 100% into something and when to hold back.
This week I made the decision to put myself in a situation where I was surrounded by well over 100 young people who spoke only Portuguese/changana, that literally the little I was familiar with was changed dramatically.
Imagine yourself standing in the sand, hundreds of teens running around, many talking to you really quickly in a language you've been studying only for 4 months and they expect you to know what to do with the instructions they're giving you... Imagine standing in a circle with all of these people, playing a game that solely depended on knowing the words coming from the MC, resulting in you losing the game. every. single. time. Only because you didn't know the words for "touch your ear" in a split second. There were so many more moments that kept happening like these..

To clarify I do not blame anyone. If anything I should blame myself. But I had to try.

This is just a picture to give you while I try to explain some things about my new life currently.

Most day's are good! There are days that I feel on top of the world because I know I was able to share the love of Christ with others.
But this is me, showing you a reality that missionaries face on a daily basis.
Every single day we are each combating much more than most realize.
We are fighting spiritually with the darkness that the devil cast on so many people as we try with everything we have to share the name of Jesus.
We are fighting against comfort zones. The things that we are "used to" that we give up joyfully but still not easy.
We are fighting against so many other things but what I have faced this week alone were those and 2 more....
FAILURE & GUILT.
There came a point in that situation when I couldn't handle it anymore.
I ended up melting down in front of all the people surrounding me. In that moment I had no control over my reaction. In that moment I honestly thought I failed.
I stood in front of what felt like the world feeling like a failure in not being able to succeed at what seemed like even the simplest of things.
In that moment I knew I needed to leave, but I couldn't. So for the rest of that day, that night and the next day I was in a constant state of misery, living in a cloud of confusion even with the sweet people who tried to help.
Why did I stay?
Guilt.
Because I knew this shouldn't be as hard as my experience. I felt like I was "giving up" because I didn't have anything else to give, but I thought I needed to keep going because I was guilty of my weakness.
I am sure this sounds like such a big deal for a small event. But this is my current state of mind. "Desculpa" (I am sorry.) I just want to be completely transparent.
I don't want to be someone who has something to say but never does because the opinions of others, especially if it means other people will see how challenging life over-seas can be.
Again I am not saying it's like this all of the time but it's not a bed of roses either.
Something that most don't expect to hear from missionaries is the feeling of guilt and failure.
The feeling that you should have been able to have done something but couldn't do it. Following that is guilt when you face people with that failure. Most of the time I don't try to think about the thoughts of others, but I did this time.
Something that isn't talked about either is sometimes the hard comments you get. The comments from people you respect but people who don't truly know you. This time comment's like "you're choosing to give up" or " you needed to persevere" but if only they knew how hard I tried.
Even right now I am hurting for my parents who get comments from our own brother's and sister's in Christ that do pierce the heart but will never be told.

These are things that are experienced that are not shared but I know there is power in my vulnerability. I believe that through this, through my feelings of failure and guilt, if you're reading this and relate to my feelings that you are not alone. God doesn't need our strength, but needs our weakness not for us but for HIS glory. 2 Corinthians 2:9 plainly says; 

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."